ASHES to ashes: I hope the Barmy Army's trumpet player is familiar with the score of the dead march.

IT'S true that you could have been thinner,
But a winner, we know, is a grinner.
You're simply the best,
You must have been blest,
Well done, and now please ... come in spinner.

TO the good citizens of Broome: I don't want to cause alarm or give you the shivers, but the Prime Minister wasn't looking for a house, was he?

SO, living next door to a nuclear plant wouldn't worry Prime Minister Howard. But what if there were to be a nuclear fall-out ... with the Australian voters?

A PERTH man has suggested that pensioners be granted one free trip to a brothel per year. It's an interesting concept, but wouldn't the oldies, if they took up the offer, be thus accused of living off immoral yearnings?

I CAN"T understand why some people think Shane Warne is a poor role model - after all, he rolled more than seven hundred of the buggers!